Deconstructing My Spirituality

I’m very nervous about writing this post (so nervous, in fact, that I’ve been sitting on this finished post for over 3 weeks). I know what it means to many people I love, and I know It will be met by a variety of reactions. Not to mention, as you can tell by the title, I’m re-examining something that has been a big part of my life for seven years. Be sure, it’s not the nervousness that’s inspiring me to take a closer look at things. Yes, I think it’s important to question everything – especially those things that tell us how to live, things that our heart questions, to make sure we’re being rational and ensure that we’re not caught up in culture.

This could quite easily be a book, there’s so much to say, but I’ll try to express the core of what I’m experiencing and hash out the details later. For those of you that don’t know me, I started believing in Christianity seven years ago at age 18. Since then, I’ve studied a lot of theology, grown a lot as a person, both spiritually and otherwise. I’ve built great relationships and been generally happy and motivated (apart from the occasional downs like everyone else). I’ve risen up in leadership, instructed many young men and woman about living as Christians in the modern world. I’ve done some speaking, some writing, and lots of late night counseling over the phone or more commonly over coffee. A lot of people respect my outlook on the faith, which focuses on minimizing Christian cultural influence and maximizing the core tenets of Christianity – that is, looking past the gray areas and:

1) Loving God

2) Loving others more than yourself (or trying to at least, it’s unclear if altruism is genuinely attainable)

Everything else might be valuable, but it’s not central and anyone that says otherwise is not actually practicing the faith Jesus practiced.

Unfortunately (embarrassingly, I think, for many who call themselves Christians) a Christian life focused (as it should be) entirely on these tenets is edgy, and has thus added to my somewhat “radical” reputation and been a large part of my effectiveness as a leader. It’s funny, I’ve often called this theology conservative, but it means something entirely different than “conservatives” of the more common context, who I’d rather call “short-sighted”.

So, to get to the point before you stop reading: I’m stepping out of faith. That’s so strange to write. What happened to get me to this point? A few months ago, 3-4 I think, my head and heart started dropping out of it. Sure, there may have been some personal reasons why this happened, some down moments, but that actually doesn’t matter and you’ll see why. I wasn’t praying or studying the bible outside of group settings. At first I was guilty about this, after time it became easy. As with any habit or routine, it’s easier to leave behind the further you go from it. Christianity has an interesting catch though, it says that doubt or wandering from God is the result of the enemy’s work. If you believe this however, that a spiritual enemy exists, then you must believe in spirituality and God, so as a result your faith is reinforced. Christianity even says that we will all definitely have times of doubt as a result of sin and Satan’s work. Basically:

You will doubt God>Doubt comes from Satan>Satan is the enemy of God>God is exists>You will doubt God

Certainly, no one would say this is a basis for faith, but I realized that if I was doubting the truth of the faith I’d been practicing, I couldn’t take any comfort from this circular outlook on unbelief. Following this realization and after accepting that the doubt I was experiencing was real, I went through a period of rationalizing, trying to remember why I believed at all. I told myself all the bits of evidence I’d learned, which is not the strongest stuff. Then I went over the sort of masterful sense Christianity makes of life with regard to love, sin, struggle, growth, selflessness, humility and exaltation, and it all sounded just as good as before. It was that stuff my faith was leaning on, but I realized something game-breaking: I’d been calling that great story “an abundance of evidence“, but now I saw it was only “an abundance of appeal“, and a good story is no rational basis for believing something to be true.

From there, I looked inside, and that’s where I am today. There is still some sense in me of eternity, maybe a sense of God, but I have to decide if this feeling (a dubious source of belief) is God-given, true supernatural faith, a connection to Truth, or if it’s psychological. Certainly, people believe all kinds of things because of psychological conditioning, and seven years singing about God, reading the bible and listening to sermons is more than enough to program such a sense.

So now, after months of slow emergence from the Christian ocean, on the resulting shore of unbelief, unable to rely on appeal and hungry to look inside myself anew, I must step away.

I’m full of energy to find out what this means about my worldview, my perspective, ideals and goals. I’m taking it easy, I’m talking with plenty of people, not just throwing myself into a new world. I can’t just go through the motions or try to hold on when my heart has these concerns, and I’ve found support for stepping out to some degree to re-examine from even my most faithful friends.

I may be without the faith that has sustained me for so many years, but I do have faith that this will only result in me being a stronger, more self-aware person. And should I find God on this road, I’ll be all the greater his man again. For my faithful friends, I’m sure this is your prayer and I thank you for it. For everyone else, I look forward to discussions with you from this new perspective. Humanism was my home before 2001, and I’m looking forward to the philosophical reunion.

Last night I tried to remember what it felt like in the years leading up to 18, before I believed, and I couldn’t remember. That was weird.

Your thoughts are appreciated.