With the excuse that I simply needed to add some character to my recently-rendered hairless visage, I think it’s now impossible not to make some larger, more encompassing statement about the recent events in my life, which, yes, has reached its Quarter-mark. If you haven’t been playing along with the home edition of our show, I’ve quit my job, lost my faith, shaved my head, pierced my ears and started challenging myself along various personal development veins all over the last month or two. You might think this all adds up to one big, dishonest, emotional attempt to grab hold of my youth or capture some fading opportunities, but you’d be wrong. Just like any emotional event might knock you far enough off the track of a habit or standard so you can re-examine it with a fresh perspective, the only point my age plays is a reminder that there is only one life to live, and any missed opportunities serve only to remind me that nothing artificial should keep me from perusing the life I want, even if those things are tough to leave behind. Do note: I think people can succeed as I’m looking to within social structures (we all have to to some degree) – so it’s not like I’ve left my faith behind to pursue this, rather, I confronted the fact that I don’t think it’s true, and actually have been questioning all else as a result of that victory over comfort and the idea of belief.

For years now I’ve marveled at the thought that every person has within them some unexpressed, richer, fuller self beneath the programming, clean of the paint of standards that warps and cracks around us as we flex that identity beneath, all too often giving in at last to let the paint shell dry and forever act as some foreign skin keeping us from true expression and honest connection with all the other paintskin mannequins.

Kafka said of books:

“We need the books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us.”

And I find there are axes everywhere. So, on one hand I’m confronting. Confronting truth, and untruth, separating the real from the unreal, the right from the comfortable. I’m sanding off the paint to find my canvas and make my own work of art. My Christian perspective said the same things about worldliness, that it was the paint, the bug on my projector that ruined the movie, but Christianity, all religion, tradition and comfort – these are the bugs, and all one in the same. It’s taking the axe to these that lets the statue within the marble free, not to embrace worldliness in the sense of materialism or hedonism, but to embrace the world as we see it for what it really is: everything.

“Things are entirely what they seem to be and behind them…there is nothing”  -Jean-Paul Sartre

And that’s why I’ve returned again and again to the theme of deconstructing and reconstructing. Not because I think man’s ideal state is one of chaos, but because I know that I need to detox from comfort, pursue every inclination that hints at more, and each one that hints at less.

Pragmatically: I’m on a journey, and I aim to risk.

1. One should use clippers instead of scissors for the initial shortening, unless one wants to be writing a post about head shaving at 2:30am, two hours after one picked up the scissors.
2. You’re basically serving in the armed forces if you wear a hat after shaving your head. I fully expect real marines to ask me questions tomorrow using military acronyms that I don’t understand. My plan is to salute, stomp-turn, sprint across the road and dive into bushes should this occur.
3. Shave your head before quitting your job and losing your medical insurance. In the unlikely case that you discover an unsightly scalp condition hiding beneath the fields of your dome, having the option to remedy it for under xtrillian dollars is handy.
4. After shaving your head, there is literally hair everywhere, even in rooms that you haven’t been in since.
5. The only song one should listen to while shaving one’s head is Needle in the Hay by Elliott Smith.*
6. One should have ample supply of towels prior to shaving one’s head. You’ll need some for clean up, some for wiping, some for draping, and after the grand melee, one to soak in cold water and wrap around your head. Failing to account for this final towel will result in you sitting at your computer with a cold-soaked pair of boxers on your head…

I realize I went back and forth between using One and You. Don’t worry about it.

So seriously I shaved my head. I’ve been thinking about it for ages, and more and more as my hair grew thinner and thinner. I started taking a Propecia equivalent about 3 weeks ago, and I figured if it manages to regrow any hair (about a 45% chance) I’ll never shave, so really this is a great time to give it a try.

I did most of the shaving in the shower so I could see the full effect all at once, and was very saddened to see my scalp was covered with red blotches. I’ve always had an itchy scalp, but I’m really hoping this is just an after-effect of the rigorous shaving process. I suppose we’ll see in the morning. The shaving was especially tough because I don’t own any clippers, so I just tried to get things as short as possible before taking the razor to it.

On the way to stubble I thought my super-short hair actually looked pretty good, even with my very thin top-head. I figure, if it turns out I just have a disgusting scalp permanently I’ll just let a little grow back and hang there while I take care of it.

I’d show you a picture with better lighting but it’s really red and I don’t want you to see. For now you get these:

On the way – look how far we’ve come…

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Am I really doing this?

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Here it is…

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Oh god don’t tell me I look like That Yellow Bastard from Sin City…

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aaaaand I do. =/ At least he got chicks.*

*I know Richie both attempts suicide and doesn’t shave his head in this video.

*jk!

Guess what woke me up this morning:

a) The sun

b) Noise from the street

c) Delusions of grandeur

d) A piano tuner doing his business downstairs at 8am

e) A recorded message from Hannah Montana coming from the phone number of a sleep-jealous co-worker

(Answers: d&e)

The best time to schedule a piano tuning appointment is:

a) When 4/4 people that live with you are awake

b) When 1/4 people that live with you are awake

(Answer: a)

I started to respond to some comments in the comments section but figured I’d copy them here and respond to everyone in a post instead.

In order…

@Anon

Thanks for your thoughts. I’d love to know who this is. Maybe I should disable Anon posting so this doesn’t happen on accident (I don’t imagine you’re trying to hide). I suppose the problem is that this sort of encouragement means nothing once someone thinks that faith, God and church is a social structure, a product of man, something that is reinforced by psychological processes and not something supernatural. Bible versus about God watching over me and promises that His word will last longer than the earth and sky really don’t mean a thing once I think the bible isn’t any more inspired or divine (and I’m not mocking here, just making the point clear) than a copy of the Sunday paper (lol@Sunday irony). I understand what God claims to be according to scripture, I just don’t have a rational reason to believe that scripture is divinely inspired or that God is real at this point in my life. I understand that faith is not rational, but right now I can’t remember what made me believe outside of just turning off some rational parts of my thought processes.

@Max

Thanks for the respect Max, and I’m really glad you’re enjoying the blog so far. I celebrated many times when people in my life came to believe in God, both because I believed it meant something about their eternity, but also because there is something totally not-spiritual worth celebrating about anyone making any rational and honest change from one position to another onto your side of the fence, something affirming maybe, but even more simple, a little touch of comradery knowing that you can share something with that person that you couldn’t previously, and that you’ve both made it through a tough existential journey into the same, new world.

I definitely encourage you to keep looking at what’s available on both sides of the fence. As you can tell, there are very sharp people in both camps and it’s important that we challenge ourselves to understand each side better than the average person from either side, and not just settle when we’ve managed to connect with someone who’s views match our own. That said, now that we’re of the same general position on this matter of truth, I’m glad your instincts keep you here, so long as you’re being diligent to grow in your understanding =)

@Geordie

To Geordie: It’s tragic to others because they believe it’s true. I agree that for some that belief exists only to support a desired lifestyle, though I think we can both agree that for most it’s a real belief, not something people consciously think of as just “something we say because it lets us live lifestyle X”, but for many, and I point to the people who are really putting effort and care into growing as people and developing their spiritual lives, it is something that really provides answers and for them it’s worth digging into despite challenges to arrive somewhere that gives them existential comfort.

And I’ll challenge your point that I’m stepping away from faith for purely pragmatic reasons. Yes, it is possible that this played a part on the subconscious level, but I’ve had many ups and downs in faith, sometimes where I was getting very little from it apart from the promises and “truths” that kept me going (this is pragmatic, but not in the way you’re talking about). It’s going to be a challenge to leave for many reasons, included there are social, existential and lifestyle adjustments. In many ways it would be easier to stay, but I’m too much of a philosopher to keep my self in the square peg as I grow into a circle (man my analogies are AWFUL today). I’d like to say that my choice has been rational, but because I’m now viewing faith and religion as psychosocial foundations, I suppose I have to chalk this up to something similar in some way, eh?

@Serena

Should be an interesting (and loooong) conversation with the family for sure. I guess I’m looking forward to it. I must say, while I think your reason for not liking LFF or Christianity is very reasonable, it’s not really a great reason to think it’s not true. Truth is objective, and neutral to personal taste =). I totally agree that the “don’t make your own plans” is awful, but I don’t actually think that comes from scripture, just ignorant people wielding it. I don’t really understand the point of bashing on members of some church unless it just served as the jolt to get you looking at what you believed again. I’d be really curious to know what actually made you believe that Christianity was not true after believing for several years that it was.

Not having reason to believe, now that sounds like a good reason not to believe; in this or anything.

@Patrick Sullivan

I dunno man, did you know he once created an actual wrestling federation?

@Don

I’d like to hear your story some time. With your reluctance to share, I’m guessing some difficult or perhaps horrible event led you to question all you’d been brought up to believe. I think it’s totally normal for those things to kick us out of the “room of faith” so we can see what’s really keeping the room together. I hope from that outside perspective you’ve challenged yourself to explore the reasons for your unbelief rather than just stuffing faith under bitterness or sadness. Like I’ve said a few times already, absolute truth is either real or not, if it’s real, it doesn’t matter how sad it makes us. If God is real but something bad happened, God is still real. Those tough times should only serve to motivate our closer inspection. Just a thought, to strengthen your conviction and encourage more exploration =)

@James

Hello my friend. I hope that some of my responses here have given you comfort that I am very much working to grow this new realm of my philosophy with the same care and honesty that I watered my theology and Christian philosophy with for so many years. We’ve always made sure in our outlook to put anger, sadness, excitement, bitterness, mockery, standards and majorities aside to explore every issue with a rational eye that’s blind to everything but the core issue. As always, I hope you’ll call me out when I slip up and pull some ammo from a dishonest magazine (seriously what happened to my analogies…).

I wanted to ask “well why doesn’t it matter more to you that I operate with integrity than where my soul ends up in eternity”, but I know your answer is that you have faith that only on the path of honest wisdom will I have a chance of finding my faith again. That, and you leave eternity up to God.

@Laura

Hi Laura! Thanks for sharing your experience. I agree, if there’s one thing Christianity nailed at least as something that really provides joy in life, that’s giving people the benefit of the doubt, not judging people and trying your best to get down about stuff that doesn’t matter.

As someone who until very recently shared the same beliefs as your relatives, the issue of evangelism is tough. Geordie and I were chatting about this earlier. Basically if someone fully, truly believes in eternal glory for some and eternal punishment for most, you can’t really blame them for going aggro on someone (in fact, it’s sort of curious when someone says they really believe but doesn’t try to share it with the doomed people around eh?). Yes, at some point there’s a question of effectiveness – my position was always that people were best shown my Christian beliefs through honest friendship and discussion rather than street-corner doomsaying, but not everyone agrees (well maybe they agree with that extreme).

You’re right though, it’s their love so you gotta give them that.

Looking forward to posting more about work in my new life soon, would love to hear your thoughts on how to make the most of that. I’ll be in Seattle Aug 20-26, maybe we can grab lunch.

-Jake Bales.

So, someone outside of the common social systems of responsibility but who is responsible to himself and productive for himself could be called a livebeat.  It’s probably worth coming up with a newer, less derivative name for the lifestyle eventually – maybe once I understand it more.

On Friday I quit my job (after posting notice 2 weeks prior) and packed up 5 years of accumulated stuff, getting my projects covered by coworkers as much as possible and sorting through innumerable documents, art files, video and personal stuff on my company-owned laptop. Quitting was harder than I expected (beyond the difficulty in making such a risky move and saying goodbye to everyone I mean). All of the re-organizing was tough, I needed to shop for a new laptop and cell phone, now I need to get some sort of health insurance (not excited about that) and develop a routine for myself.

Some questions I need to answer:

1) Do I set an alarm in the morning or just see what happens?

2) How much time should I allot to personal development each day, like working out, reading, taking classes, etc.

3) How much time should I dedicate to work, that is writing, meetings, etc. This is definitely a big priority for me, especially in the early days, so the personal expectation of production is set.

I’m finishing up a writing project this afternoon and catching up on blogging. I think writing about my day-to-day exploits as an unemployee will help me organize thoughts and stay accountable to production so I’ll try to be on here often enough.

It still hasn’t hit me, the fact that for the first time since pre-preschool (I went to Montessori school, whatever that is) I don’t have to do anything. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with being part of a company. I actually really enjoy the community, accountability and direction – I’m just giving this a try to see if I might create my own deal.

I imagine these first couple of weeks will feel like vacation before I really feel it. Exciting/scary.

This could quite easily be a book, there’s so much to say, but I’ll try to express the core of what I’m experiencing and hash out the details later. For those of you that don’t know me, I started believing in Christianity seven years ago at age 18. Since then, I’ve studied a lot of theology, grown a lot as a person, both spiritually and otherwise. I’ve built great relationships and been generally happy and motivated (apart from the occasional downs like everyone else). I’ve risen up in leadership, instructed many young men and woman about living as Christians in the modern world. I’ve done some speaking, some writing, and lots of late night counseling over the phone or more commonly over coffee. A lot of people respect my outlook on the faith, which focuses on minimizing Christian cultural influence and maximizing the core tenets of Christianity – that is, looking past the gray areas and:

1) Loving God

2) Loving others more than yourself (or trying to at least, it’s unclear if altruism is genuinely attainable)

Everything else might be valuable, but it’s not central and anyone that says otherwise is not actually practicing the faith Jesus practiced.

Unfortunately (embarrassingly, I think, for many who call themselves Christians) a Christian life focused (as it should be) entirely on these tenets is edgy, and has thus added to my somewhat “radical” reputation and been a large part of my effectiveness as a leader. It’s funny, I’ve often called this theology conservative, but it means something entirely different than “conservatives” of the more common context, who I’d rather call “short-sighted”.

So, to get to the point before you stop reading: I’m stepping out of faith. That’s so strange to write. What happened to get me to this point? A few months ago, 3-4 I think, my head and heart started dropping out of it. Sure, there may have been some personal reasons why this happened, some down moments, but that actually doesn’t matter and you’ll see why. I wasn’t praying or studying the bible outside of group settings. At first I was guilty about this, after time it became easy. As with any habit or routine, it’s easier to leave behind the further you go from it. Christianity has an interesting catch though, it says that doubt or wandering from God is the result of the enemy’s work. If you believe this however, that a spiritual enemy exists, then you must believe in spirituality and God, so as a result your faith is reinforced. Christianity even says that we will all definitely have times of doubt as a result of sin and Satan’s work. Basically:

You will doubt God>Doubt comes from Satan>Satan is the enemy of God>God is exists>You will doubt God

Certainly, no one would say this is a basis for faith, but I realized that if I was doubting the truth of the faith I’d been practicing, I couldn’t take any comfort from this circular outlook on unbelief. Following this realization and after accepting that the doubt I was experiencing was real, I went through a period of rationalizing, trying to remember why I believed at all. I told myself all the bits of evidence I’d learned, which is not the strongest stuff. Then I went over the sort of masterful sense Christianity makes of life with regard to love, sin, struggle, growth, selflessness, humility and exaltation, and it all sounded just as good as before. It was that stuff my faith was leaning on, but I realized something game-breaking: I’d been calling that great story “an abundance of evidence“, but now I saw it was only “an abundance of appeal“, and a good story is no rational basis for believing something to be true.

From there, I looked inside, and that’s where I am today. There is still some sense in me of eternity, maybe a sense of God, but I have to decide if this feeling (a dubious source of belief) is God-given, true supernatural faith, a connection to Truth, or if it’s psychological. Certainly, people believe all kinds of things because of psychological conditioning, and seven years singing about God, reading the bible and listening to sermons is more than enough to program such a sense.

So now, after months of slow emergence from the Christian ocean, on the resulting shore of unbelief, unable to rely on appeal and hungry to look inside myself anew, I must step away.

I’m full of energy to find out what this means about my worldview, my perspective, ideals and goals. I’m taking it easy, I’m talking with plenty of people, not just throwing myself into a new world. I can’t just go through the motions or try to hold on when my heart has these concerns, and I’ve found support for stepping out to some degree to re-examine from even my most faithful friends.

I may be without the faith that has sustained me for so many years, but I do have faith that this will only result in me being a stronger, more self-aware person. And should I find God on this road, I’ll be all the greater his man again. For my faithful friends, I’m sure this is your prayer and I thank you for it. For everyone else, I look forward to discussions with you from this new perspective. Humanism was my home before 2001, and I’m looking forward to the philosophical reunion.

Last night I tried to remember what it felt like in the years leading up to 18, before I believed, and I couldn’t remember. That was weird.

Your thoughts are appreciated.

Shopping around, the idea if settling down always made me nervous (I know, a big shocker if you know me). I chalked this up to cold feet for a while. “Of course I’m nervous, it’s a big commitment, a big step in life. One of the big three: house, wife, kids” etc. But in this personal era of deconstruction and self-analyzing, I’m led to question all the standards and anytime I’m thinking about doing something that I potentially don’t want to do, old culture and tradition is getting the Jake Bales microscope treatment.

Like you’re beginning to understand, the idea of working 9-5 for the next 35 years isn’t quite filling me with energy and happiness these days. And since the goal I’m seriously considering setting for myself is autonomy, dropping and locking (dropping $35k and locking myself into a mortgage) doesn’t sound like the best idea for me right now.

I have no wife, no kids, no debt (apart from a fairly impulsive convertible), not even a girlfriend or prospective girlfriend to inspire some burrowing down on my part. For SoCal my rent is almost hostel-like (550, all utilities included). So I’ve got money, energy, potential freedom, tons of contacts in my industry, experience and security (until I run out of money or get kicked out of my place). So I figure, why buy? My dream is not working 9-5. If I buy a place, I forfeit that dream, and I’ll never know if it was possible.

Tim Ferriss (ug, I hate sounding like a guru’s disciple) encouraged people looking to escape this sort of trap to outline their Nightmare Scenarios. What’s mine? Well, I’d run out of money in 1-2 years if I failed to do much contracting (I think I’m set up to do plenty by the way), I’d be out a year’s salary and back on the job market (I’ve never applied for a job or been interviewed, but I think I could figure it out), and I would have missed some potential bounce-back of the housing market crash.

Mathematically, I can invest $300,000 into a place that was roughly $380,000 pre-market crash. If the market rebounds 50% in a couple of years, I’m up 40k on a 35k investment, which is pretty good (though I’m sure there are lots of things I’m missing in that calculation, like buyers/sellers/agent fees, property taxes, etc.), but then I’m out of the freedom game. I could try to make it big or even just make half my current salary over the next couple of years, ideally working less than 40 hours a week, but even if I do work that much at least it’s on my own schedule, and I’d keep the dream alive. I think there is serious potential of succeeding with something far bigger during this vacation from “real life”, and seriously, how can I not take the chance?

That 35k could equate to $0, it could break even, or build me a life much closer to what I dream about. Worst-case scenario? I defer “setting down” for few years or I just get another job. Best-case scenario? Unlimited.

*I have been cooking the Three Minute Breakfast. I don’t want to say his name again…but you’ll see who taught me…

-Jake Bales.

I took a few weeks to experiment with the 80/20 Principle (or the “Pareto Principle“) at the core of Ferriss’s business and personal success/satisfaction. Basically, 80% of your productivity/production comes from 20% of your time. 80% of your stress comes from 20% of the stressors in your live. So, to maximize productivity and time, look at ways to cut down. An obvious place to apply this is work. Ferriss asks “What are the odds that every job in America is designed flawlessly to take 8 hours a day, 5 days a week?” Impossible, obviously, so we find ways to fill the time. Yes, plenty of people are very busy during their 8 hour shifts, but of those 8 hours, how many are actually producing 80% of the work?

I started working on my writing projects from coffee shops when able, instead of going into the office. Creativity has always been elusive at work, and when there’s a big project due it’s (I’m lucky in this regard), not a problem to do it away from your desk. These were smaller projects, but I got permission without much trouble, and found that I was turning over pages of content (I’m doing world design for a new property, and getting the backstory settled) in significantly less time than it would have taken at my desk. Yes, I was starting my days later, but my daily personal production goals were getting checked off in no-time.

Sadly, but inevitably, my experiment was ordered to a halt. It’s tough to be away from the office for several reasons: Pick-up meetings, knowledge-sharing, getting in on new projects and (I think this is the biggest reason): Comparative Self-Sacrifice. That’s what I’m calling the phenomenon that’s probably just as human as it is American these days, where we really don’t care who is producing the most, we only care how much someone is suffering compared to us. If Johnny in the office next to me isn’t in his chair from 8-5, my first thought isn’t “he must be slacking on his work”, but “that’s not fair, I’m here on time every day”.

So I don’t fault my coworkers for calling me in more (and they still offer tons of freedom which is awesome). It’s very tough to defend a coworker that works out of the office most of the time, even if his production is up. It takes a lot of time to ease into that style of work, and a lot of cooperation and backing from management. Companies like Google, apparently (since they hosted a conference about working from home and doing more with less), recognize the enormous value in this. Not only are their employees happier, more productive, more loyal to the company in exchange for the lifestyle boost, but the company saves on electricity, IT, phone, desk and floor space, etc. It takes some huge thinking to break this cultural standard. Startups have been doing it for years, but the fact that one of the largest and most profitable corporations in the world is picking up on it says a lot about them, and the hope for a cultural shift in time management/production maximization thought.

All of this has made me question the value of my time. Ferriss pointed out the idea of relative income, that is, how much money you actually generate for every hour of work. People place far too much value on salary, ignoring the fact that someone who makes 30,000 a year working a few hours a day on a personal business, let’s say 15 hours per workweek (=$38.46/hr) makes twice as much relative income than the person making 60,000 and clocking 60 hours per week in an office ($19.23/hr). From there, the question of scalability arises, that is, how many $38 dollar hours can I put in at that value? Then the bigger questions: How much do I want to work vs How much do I want to live?

This is the foundation of my re-examination of all things work. Next, I’ll lay out the foundation of my re-examination of my spiritual life, then the nature of the self and beyond. From there we’ll dive into taking action.

-Jake Bales.